Proverbial life: our contagious attitude

We’re taking a topic-focused tour of the book of Proverbs.  Although Solomon was commenting on life roughly 3000 years ago, his observations ring loud and clear in today’s modern times.  In this blog post, we’ll be looking at a topic that is easy for us to overlook: the impact of our attitude.

How quickly does someone else’s sour attitude twist your mindset and darken your thoughts?
How much better do you feel after talking with someone who genuinely smiles at you?
How short is your fuse when another person is unapologetically selfish in public?
Do anxious people make you feel anxious?
Can you think of someone who can change the mood of a room, for better or worse, just by walking in?

Unless we are on our guard and self-aware, we can be easily influenced by the attitudes we are exposed to.  Most of the time, the attitude shift comes from people we are in close proximity to, but we must also acknowledge that videos and clips of other people can also influence our mindset.

While we can look back and recognize times when another person’s attitude has had a profound effect on us…I think we tend to understate the impact our own attitude has on others.

Multiple times, Solomon addressed the contagiousness of an attitude from one person to the next.  When we read these proverbs, one side or the other will likely resonate.  However, the real skill in thinking through these wisdom sayings is thinking about yourself on both sides of the equation:

Proverbs 12:25
Anxiety in a person’s heart weighs it down,
but a good word cheers it up.

Are you someone who struggles with anxiety?  Do your cares weigh your heart down?  Are your fears (founded or unfounded) heavy on your mind?  If so, how much does a good word from a friend mean to you?  Admittedly, a simple check-in or conversation doesn’t cure your struggles…but empathy and compassion go a long way toward cheering your heart up.

But let’s flip this around…maybe you’re not anxious right now.  When you see someone who’s struggling (or attempting to mask the struggle), an intentional good word from you can literally be a life-saver.  However, it can be hard to know what to do when trying to help an anxious person…fortunately, Solomon gives us some guidance there, too:

Proverbs 15:30
Bright eyes cheer the heart;
good news strengthens the bones.

There are two ways to spread an attitude – through our facial expressions and our words.  Facial expressions can be tough to read because sometimes our faces betray us and don’t reveal where our minds are at.  As an example, I’ll admit to having “resting bothered face”.  I’ve been accused of being “too serious” or “too intense”, when I’m mentally at an even keel.  If you can relate, then we both should continue to work on our expressions when we interact with other people.  Bright eyes and a smile when we greet others will go a long way to communicating cheer and care, rather than them thinking we’re upset when we are not.

According to Solomon, the second way to spread a good attitude is to bring good news to others.  When someone asks how we are, do we lead with a depressing “Same stuff, different day” quip, or do we focus on sharing the good in our lives?

To further his point, Solomon offers this contrast:

Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit dries up the bones.

There is nothing inherently wrong when we experience a broken spirit.  Many good things can come out of the hardest of hard situations in our lives.  However, prolonged living in such a state leaves us feeling like the life has been sucked out of us, or as Solomon aptly describes, feeling like dried up bones.  In those times we need someone to share their joyful heart with us, because their contagious attitude is good medicine.

Collectively, these proverbs leave us with a responsibility – and Solomon gives a stark warning about how much our words matter:

Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruit.

We remember words spoken to us.  You know which ones I’m talking about.  Words you’ll never forget.  They left a life-long impression on you, whether they were life-giving or life-taking.  So don’t discount the power of your words to influence another person’s life.  There is great power in the tongue, and our words and attitudes have the ability to out-live us.

The point of these proverbs is this: You are contagious.  Your mood, your tone, your body language...are all contagious.  What do you want others to catch from you?

I'm not telling you to fake anything or manipulate anybody.  But the attitude you choose will be reflected back to you and carried on by them...so...what attitude will you choose to share with other people?

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Proverbial life: watch your mouth

We’re taking a topic-focused tour of the book of Proverbs.  Although Solomon was commenting on life roughly 3000 years ago, his observations ring loud and clear in today’s modern times.  In this blog post, we’ll be looking at a topic that trips us all up: what we say and how we say it.

Our words matter, and once they are said, there are no take-backs.  We have several familiar phrases in the English language to communicate this truth:

You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.
You’ve let the cat out of the bag.
You can’t unring that bell.

When Solomon was instructing his son about living wisely – how to skillfully apply knowledge to his earthly life – he frequently brought up the words his son would choose.

The first proverb we’ll look at might feel a little obvious…but sometimes we need to be reminded of the obvious:

Proverbs 11:13
A gossip goes around revealing a secret,
but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.

Being labeled as a gossip or as a trustworthy person is a matter of verbal reputation.  You can be known as either one, but not both.  If you share another person’s secrets or words spoken in confidence, you are betraying the trust that was placed in you.  As long as keeping the secret does not bring harm to others, the best use of our words when another person shares confidential information is to not use them at all…in essence, being trustworthy is often a matter of us keeping our teeth together and saying nothing.

Next, we find Solomon addressing a common situation in life: what to do with an angry person.  Whether the anger is caused by Solomon’s son or if he happens to get caught in the cross-fire of another person’s issues, he’s going to have to navigate situations were other people are seeing red and are looking for a fight.  Curiously, Solomon does not tell him to fight fire with fire:

Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away anger,
but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

Anger is a secondary emotion.  While anger may be at the surface-level and more prominent, there is always a primary emotion found underneath, driving that angry response.  Perhaps they feel taken advantage of, or foolish, or embarrassed…whatever the root cause is, the angry outburst is almost never subdued by fighting fire with fire.  Matching anger’s intensity or deriding it with a harsh word only escalates the situation.  In these situations, Solomon wants his son to use his words to diffuse the tension – and a gentle answer is the key to doing so.

Admittedly, giving a gentle answer in the heat of the moment is hard.  Not saying anything and keeping another’s confidence is also difficult.  Thankfully, Solomon clues us in to how we can make sure our mouths are doing the right thing:

Proverbs 16:23
The heart of the wise person instructs his mouth;
it adds learning to his speech.

You’ve certainly heard descriptions of other people like, “Her mouth has a mind of its own.” or “He has a loose tongue.”  These phrases attempt to excuse a person for running their mouths or speaking before thinking…instead, Solomon says that our mouth can be instructed and trained by what we have in our heart.  So, time to do a heart check – What are you feeding your heart?  What are you learning so that you can grow and have mature speech?

The benefits of being wise with your words isn’t limited to just you.  Being able to manage your mouth is more than having a good reputation and being able to handle an angry outburst.  Solomon also tells his son that his mature words will be helpful to others:

Proverbs 16:24
Pleasant words are a honeycomb:
sweet to the taste and health to the body.

When someone speaks kind words, encouraging words, supportive words, or empathetic words to you…those are special.  They are sweetly remembered, like a mental candy, that we can retaste anytime we recall them.  Our words can make someone else strong, brave, open, and confident…healthy at many levels of the body – mental, emotional, and yes, even physical.

Words are powerful.  What comes out of our mouths can make or break someone.  How will you choose to use your words today?

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Don't be a Jedi

I was recently watching a cartoon Star Wars episode where two sisters were describing a major event in their lives that involved the Jedi.  The Jedi were chasing a runaway fugitive, and during the chase, the fugitive damaged a ship to help his escape.  One of the Jedi used the force to redirect the ship away from the gathering of people it was about to crash down on, as you often see Jedi characters do.  When you initially saw this scene, it appeared that the Jedi had saved many people.  And while they did save the crowd of people, as the sisters continued, we found out the rest of the story.  The new crash location of the damaged ship ended up being their family’s home.  The crash killed the sisters’ parents – leaving them orphans.  After the battle, the Jedi approached the sisters and told them “I’m sorry, I had to make a choice.  But don’t worry, the force will be with you.”  And then the Jedi left, never to return.  After going through an unexpected tragedy and then being left completely alone by everyone responsible, you can imagine what the sisters thought of Jedi…

I know, I know…it’s just a cartoon.  But I was immediately struck with the thought, “How often do us Christians say something like that, and then leave people to themselves?” 

Or, more specifically, How often do we say things like that to other Christians?

When you believe in Jesus for eternal life, you are immediately adopted into God’s family.  Regardless of your biological family background, you now have a Heavenly Father who loves you perfectly.  He looks out for you and knows what is best for you.  In addition, you suddenly have more brothers and sisters then you ever thought possible…but biological age often doesn’t match a person’s spiritual maturity.  Depending on your age when you believe in Jesus, don’t be surprised if you find Christians who are physically older than you, but still acting like spiritual babies.  It is also possible to have a spiritual mother or father that is physically younger than you.

I point out these differences within God’s family so we have a little context to what we’re about to read from the book of James.  Often misunderstood as a letter describing the actions of a “true Christian”, it is, in fact, a letter pointing out what a mature Christian does in contrast to an immature Christian.  Although it is a letter from Jesus’ younger brother to the early church of believers, its structure and feel is much like the wisdom literature of the Old Testament.  James heavily focuses on practical application in a believer’s life.

James wants his readers to intentionally live out their faith in Jesus.  He desires to see them treat each other the way that Jesus treats us.  At about the halfway point of the letter, he says this:

James 2:15-16
If a brother or sister is without clothes and lacks daily food and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, stay warm, and be well fed,” but you don’t give them what the body needs, what good is it?

In situations like this – from a practical standpoint – our words are useless.  Did your brother’s need change?  Do you still have the ability to help your sister?

Before James asked this question, just a few paragraphs back, he was scolding his readers about favoring the rich believers over the poor believers.  He exhorted them to follow the royal law: Love your neighbor as yourself.  Next, he poses the above question as a practical application of his teaching.  However, with the following verse, he cuts deep and to the point.  For those who only say niceties, to those who could do much more than only offer “thoughts and prayers” to their fellow believer in need, James says:

James 2:17
In the same way faith, if it doesn’t have works, is dead by itself.

Ouch. 

But the truth can be painful sometimes.  When we encounter painful truth, don’t ignore it…instead, we need to learn from it.

Some have taught that “faith without works is dead” means that person wasn’t a “true Christian” to begin with.  However, acting immaturely doesn’t mean you aren’t saved from eternal condemnation.  What it does mean is that you’re a lousy sibling to a brother or sister in need.  Throughout his letter, James constantly refers to his readers as believers and family.  He’s not saying that their immature behavior means they’re not really family.  “Dead” in this passage does not equal “corpse”.  Based on the context, we find that James is emphasizing the usefulness or profitability of faith in action.  So instead of a “dead body” assumption, try this analogy:

We love our cars.  We love the freedom they give us to travel quickly, accomplish tasks, help others, or to just enjoy a drive.  However, without fuel, that car is useless.  For all intents and purposes, it’s dead.  Without fuel, it’s still a car…but it cannot fulfill its designed purpose.  However, if you add gas back to the car, it becomes “alive” again.

Similarly, our faith – in order to be useful and profitable – needs to have action.  Just like the car needs gas.  And that’s what James is really getting at here:

If you see a brother or sister in need of help and you have the capacity to help them, don’t just say Christian-sounding words that do not change their situation.  Buy them groceries.  Lend them your car.  Cut their grass.  Buy them coffee and listen to their story.  Mentor their kids.  Hire them.  Use your connections to others who can help them in ways you can’t. 

Don’t be like the Jedi from the cartoon I watched – don’t give a nice little platitude about “God will be with you” and then walk away.  These are fellow members of God’s family.  So let’s act like family and help each other.

You’ll be amazed at what God does when your faith is alive through our actions.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Flashback Favorite - What am I saying?

While I take time away, I decided to not leave you entirely.  I've decided to repost something I've learned, written about, and keep coming back to.  A Flashback Favorite, if you will.  This is one of the lessons that have stuck with me.

What am I saying?
originally posted on November 21, 2014

Matthew 6:7-8
When you pray, don’t babble like the idolaters, since they imagine they’ll be heard for their many words.  Don’t be like them, because your Father knows the things you need before you ask Him.

The Greeks and Romans of Jesus’ day believed that in order to get their god to pay attention to them, they must repeat their requests many times over.  They assumed that the more their prayer was repeated, the better the chance that the god would hear them accurately and being repetitive would also give them a better chance at getting exactly what they wanted.  A modern example of this babbling practice happens when someone advocates saying multiple “Our Fathers” or multiple Novenas to ensure that God gives us the answer we want.

While the pagans (and a few of us modern folks) may think we can arm-twist God based upon long, eloquent, repetitive, formal prayers…it seems that most of the prayers coming from the average Christian tend to babble, but in a slightly different manner. Have you ever noticed that when some people pray, almost every other word is “God” or “Lord God”?

“God, well, Lord God…we thank you God for the things that you, Lord God, have given us.  And, God, we ask you, God, to help our friend, dear God, who’s really sick right now, Lord God”

In cases like these, God’s name has become a filler-word in their prayer, similar to the word “um” when we don’t know what to say next.  When we find ourselves stumbling around in our prayers like this, it’s usually an indication that we’re more worried about what the others around us think of our praying skills than we are thinking about actually talking with God.  If you remove every time God is named…the prayer is small, yes…but it is down to the essential issues of our hearts – and that’s where God wants to engage us in our prayers.

However, if verse 8 is correct, and your Father knows the things you need before you ask Him…why should we bother to pray?  I mean, what’s the point of telling him something he’s already well aware of?

Since God approaches us using a Father-to-child model for our relationship with him, it can be instructive for us to think about our relationship with our own children.  Since I am more experienced in life, as well as more mature and observant, than either of my boys…I know what they need before they even ask.  In fact, most of the time, I am keenly aware of their needs before they even recognize them as actual needs.

While I could just fulfill every need as it comes up, doing so would actually hinder their growth toward adulthood.  The recognition of the need, the struggle to handle the need, and the decision to ask for help with the need are all steps toward maturity.  And all the while, I am ready, willing, and able to help…but my primary aim is not to fulfill all their needs, rather my goal is to shepherd them into maturity.  There have also been multiple occasions where what my son thinks he needs is not necessarily what he truly needs in that moment.

When my boys approach me, I’m not looking for long-winded arguments to convince me, they’re not going to get anywhere repeating “Dad, Dad, Dad” multiple times during our discussion, and yes, I know what they truly need in that moment.  Ultimately though, I love partnering with them as they grow up.

Based upon what Jesus has taught us about prayer, I’m certain that our Father in heaven feels the same way.  We don’t have to dress up our words, and we can trust he knows what’s best for us.  What he’s most interested in is relationship with us.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

How to deal with conflict

Ever get the urge to just “knock some sense” into someone?

Or at the very least, give them a verbal beat down that will “set them right” – and maybe let us blow off a little steam?

Take Paul’s protégé Timothy as an example.

He’s in a major metropolitan city he didn’t grow up in, he’s (at most) 30 years old, he’s in charge of the entire Christian church family in the city, and Paul has charged him with combating false doctrine and incorrect teachings of others.

How much conflict is going to come his way?  How many folks will be coming at him to argue with him?  Think he’ll have days where he feels the need to put someone in their place?

The Greek word for rebuke means just that – to strike or beat upon, to chastise with words.  I’m sure there were more than a few people (even some of them believers) who would have needed a strong dose of correction.

But look at how Paul says the young leader Timothy should handle those people:

1 Timothy 5:1-2
Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and with all propriety, the younger women as sisters.

While a rebuke would be a sharp, cutting word of correction, Timothy’s choice to exhort the person sits at the opposite end of the spectrum.  The Greek word translated exhort means to call to one’s side, to encourage and strengthen by consolation, comfort, or instruction.

Paul knew his Old Testament well.  As he directed Timothy, he likely had this proverb in mind:

Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

In a separate letter, Paul reminded the believers in Rome:

Romans 2:4
Or do you despise the riches of His kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Going toe-to-toe with an angry patron would make it difficult for Timothy to reach them with lasting correction and change.  Nor would harsh words model how God treats us.

One last observation to make.  Did you see the extra note Paul included for Timothy’s interaction with younger women?  With all propriety, [exhort] younger women as sisters.  We’ve all seen it too many times.  A high-ranking church leader losing his reputation, his job, and his influence for Christ due to an inappropriate relationship with another woman. 

Men, hear me clearly – if we do not keep ourselves intentionally pure and sinless in this area, especially with younger women, then we are inviting destruction into our lives.  Carelessness in this area will bring shame to ourselves and significant damage to God’s reputation in this life…and then we’ll have to answer to Jesus at the Bema Seat judgment.  You don’t want that.  I don’t want that.  We must take any steps necessary to avoid even the appearance of impropriety.

So, here’s Paul direction to Timothy, all fleshed out:

Do not rebuke and older man, but exhort him as a father
Do not rebuke a younger man, but exhort him as a brother
Do not rebuke an older woman, but exhort her as a mother
Do not rebuke a younger woman, but – with all integrity – exhort her as a sister.

Put these into practice, and you will reflect God to others.

Keep Pressing,
Ken