He was yelling, and I didn’t know why

A few years ago, I was driving down the center lane of a three-lane road in town.  Whenever I’m stopped at red lights, I often look around the area, just to see what’s going on.  Occasionally, I’ll sneak a peak at the other drivers, just to see who I’m traveling with.

At one particular red light, I looked to my left and the guy driving the car next to me immediately caught my eye.  He was alone, but he was forcefully spitting out words and tightly gripping the steering wheel.  His face was set on edge as he spoke, and his body was tense.  However, it didn’t appear that he was mad at anyone or another car in the vicinity.  He was definitely yelling, but what he was saying couldn’t be heard from where I was in my vehicle.

We were both heading the same direction in a mass of other vehicles, so it wasn’t all that difficult to stay near him for a block or two.  His behavior didn’t change, and I began to imagine different scenarios that would cause a person to behave this way.

My first thought was that he was on the phone and was chewing someone out.  That situation certainly fit his behavior.  And if that was the case, I feel bad for whoever was on the other end of that phone call!

But then I begin to think of other situations – maybe he was just singing along with some really angry music, perhaps he’s in a play and he was rehearsing lines for an unbearable character, or possibly he felt stuck in life and just needed to vent when he thought no one was looking or could hear.

The truth is, I had no idea what he was going through or why he was acting the way he was.  I was just another person in a different car that got a 30-second glance into his life.  And I don’t think I was getting his life’s highlight reel, either.

If I had simply gone with my first assumption – that he was angrily chewing someone out – I could imagine a whole backstory to judge him for the time I witnessed his actions.  If we then ended up at the same place, how would I treat him?  Or…how would I describe him to someone else?  “Hey.  You wouldn’t believe the crazy angry guy I saw driving today.  He was giving somebody the business, let me tell you!”

Beyond not assuming someone’s story or whatever battle they are internally fighting, the whole situation brought to mind something that Paul wrote to the believers in a town called Colossae:

Colossians 4:5-6
Act wisely toward outsiders, making the most of the time.  Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person.

Would it be wise of me to assume the guy next to me is an angry jerk that had no issue with chewing someone out?  Honestly, I didn’t have enough information to make that kind of assumption.

But if I never saw him again (and as far as I know, we’ve never met), what harm is there in making up backstories and then playing out those situations in my mind? 

The potential for harm wouldn’t be isolated to the guy who never noticed me observing him.  Instead, it’s bigger than that.  I’d be setting my mind on a negative path where I am morally superior to him, and I would be ready to gossip about him and my made-up story to others.  When I step back from doing so, it’s clear that this line of thinking is not making the most of the time I have.  Embellishing on a 30-second snippet of his life would not help my speech to always be gracious to the other people I would be talking to that day. 

Imagine again, that I snapped a 30-second video of his behavior and posted it for the world to see.  With my imagined-story framing, he could be insta-famous for just having a bad moment on a bad day.

So let’s be careful with what we imagine about others, especially if we have very little information to go on.  Making rash assumptions will prevent us from knowing how you should answer each person or handle each situation.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Proverbial life: watch your mouth

We’re taking a topic-focused tour of the book of Proverbs.  Although Solomon was commenting on life roughly 3000 years ago, his observations ring loud and clear in today’s modern times.  In this blog post, we’ll be looking at a topic that trips us all up: what we say and how we say it.

Our words matter, and once they are said, there are no take-backs.  We have several familiar phrases in the English language to communicate this truth:

You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.
You’ve let the cat out of the bag.
You can’t unring that bell.

When Solomon was instructing his son about living wisely – how to skillfully apply knowledge to his earthly life – he frequently brought up the words his son would choose.

The first proverb we’ll look at might feel a little obvious…but sometimes we need to be reminded of the obvious:

Proverbs 11:13
A gossip goes around revealing a secret,
but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence.

Being labeled as a gossip or as a trustworthy person is a matter of verbal reputation.  You can be known as either one, but not both.  If you share another person’s secrets or words spoken in confidence, you are betraying the trust that was placed in you.  As long as keeping the secret does not bring harm to others, the best use of our words when another person shares confidential information is to not use them at all…in essence, being trustworthy is often a matter of us keeping our teeth together and saying nothing.

Next, we find Solomon addressing a common situation in life: what to do with an angry person.  Whether the anger is caused by Solomon’s son or if he happens to get caught in the cross-fire of another person’s issues, he’s going to have to navigate situations were other people are seeing red and are looking for a fight.  Curiously, Solomon does not tell him to fight fire with fire:

Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away anger,
but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

Anger is a secondary emotion.  While anger may be at the surface-level and more prominent, there is always a primary emotion found underneath, driving that angry response.  Perhaps they feel taken advantage of, or foolish, or embarrassed…whatever the root cause is, the angry outburst is almost never subdued by fighting fire with fire.  Matching anger’s intensity or deriding it with a harsh word only escalates the situation.  In these situations, Solomon wants his son to use his words to diffuse the tension – and a gentle answer is the key to doing so.

Admittedly, giving a gentle answer in the heat of the moment is hard.  Not saying anything and keeping another’s confidence is also difficult.  Thankfully, Solomon clues us in to how we can make sure our mouths are doing the right thing:

Proverbs 16:23
The heart of the wise person instructs his mouth;
it adds learning to his speech.

You’ve certainly heard descriptions of other people like, “Her mouth has a mind of its own.” or “He has a loose tongue.”  These phrases attempt to excuse a person for running their mouths or speaking before thinking…instead, Solomon says that our mouth can be instructed and trained by what we have in our heart.  So, time to do a heart check – What are you feeding your heart?  What are you learning so that you can grow and have mature speech?

The benefits of being wise with your words isn’t limited to just you.  Being able to manage your mouth is more than having a good reputation and being able to handle an angry outburst.  Solomon also tells his son that his mature words will be helpful to others:

Proverbs 16:24
Pleasant words are a honeycomb:
sweet to the taste and health to the body.

When someone speaks kind words, encouraging words, supportive words, or empathetic words to you…those are special.  They are sweetly remembered, like a mental candy, that we can retaste anytime we recall them.  Our words can make someone else strong, brave, open, and confident…healthy at many levels of the body – mental, emotional, and yes, even physical.

Words are powerful.  What comes out of our mouths can make or break someone.  How will you choose to use your words today?

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Dealing with gossips and trash-talkers

A couple of years ago, I engaged in what I would call “short-term mentoring” with a young man who was fresh out of college and just starting out in his career field.  We’d meet for coffee or food a couple of times, primarily so we could work through what he was experiencing as a Christian making the shift from the education world to the business world.  For some topics, he knew the right next steps – but just needed to talk through them out loud or bounce his ideas off of someone else.  For other topics, when he felt stumped, I would share my advice and experience.

One particular struggle was with a coworker who routinely bad-mouthed their other co-workers.  Can you believe so-and-so did that?  Watch out for them, they’ll serve you up to the boss in a heartbeat.  And that guy over there – laziest jerk in the company.  In my experience, there is always at least one person like this in any corporate setting, and sometimes this kind of behavior is throughout entire departments. 

But my friend felt stuck.  He was the new guy and because of their roles in the company, he worked with this individual all the time.  There was no “escaping” or “avoiding” the frequent negative attitude and gossip.  He didn’t want to talk trash on his other co-workers (that he just met and barely knew)…but he didn’t feel like he could look at this person and bluntly say “Thou shalt not gossip.”  He didn’t want to sour the relationship with someone he was required to work with, but he also didn’t want the other co-workers to think that he was gossiping and talking trash about them.

While the Bible does talk about the dangers and difficulties of gossip, most of the time it simply acknowledges that it exists and warns of the trouble it causes.  You won’t find direction on how to stop others from doing it.  It seems that God is much more concerned with what you do with gossip instead of deputizing you to become the gossip police.

Solomon addressed gossipy situations many times in his collection of Proverbs, for example:

Proverbs 11:12
Whoever shows contempt for his neighbor lacks sense,
but a person with understanding keeps silent.

Proverbs 20:19
The one who reveals secrets is a constant gossip;
avoid someone with a big mouth.

Proverbs 26:20
Without wood, fire goes out;
without a gossip, conflict dies down.

These proverbs give us three good options when we’re faced with someone who wants to spread rumors or talk trash: keep quiet, avoid the person, or don’t participate.

When I was talking through my friend’s situation at work, we agreed that the first two were not really options for him…since the person was someone he had to regularly work with.  So my advice focused on the last proverb’s point – that when his co-worker came to him with rumors or would bad-mouth their other co-workers, he did not have to accept the invitation to participate.  A couple of examples:

Hey, did you hear about so-and-so?  They got in trouble with the boss today…
I heard something happened, but I wasn’t involved.  If I need to be, I’m sure they’ll let me know.

Watch out, that lady will always stab you in the back.
I’ll keep that in mind, but that hasn’t been my experience with her.  Maybe she was having a bad day.

That guy is the laziest jerk in the department.  He never gets his reports done on time and his work is always sloppy.
Are you sure?  The last time I worked with him on a project, it went fine.

The main thing about these responses is that they do not pile on to what the gossiper was saying.  Maybe there is some truth to what they are complaining about, but “always” and “never” are rarely accurate labels.  It does no good to add fuel to the fire, and when we choose to not participate, conflict dies down.

The last point I made to my friend was that if he was able to consistently avoid gossip participation – if he politely refuted “always/never” or changed the subject to a relevant work matter – then eventually the person will stop bringing the gossip to him.  He’s no fun if he won’t gossip, too.  His consistency will be noticed by his other co-workers, as well.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Religion, politics, and worship

Don’t talk about politics or religion, we’ve always been told.  However, we’re even less inclined to talk about our flaws, which can make politics and/or religion a distraction topic to get away from talking about our own failings.  During His conversation with the Samaritan woman, Jesus revealed that He knew all about the intimate relationship failures of her life.  However, she quickly changed the subject:

John 4:19-20
“Sir,” the woman replied, “I see that you are a prophet.  Our fathers worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews say that the place to worship is in Jerusalem.”

She deflects from the personal statements of how she has dealt with her deepest thirst and shifts to political/religious differences between Samaritans and Jews.

However, Jesus doesn’t get upset with her when she tries to change the subject.  Jesus allows her to steer the conversation away from her life choices and into the (taboo?) topic of religion and worship.  And this is not just any religion discussion topic…this was THE TOPIC that represented the conflict and strife between the Samaritans and the Jews.  This was the ultimate combination of politics and religion in the area: Should followers of God worship Him on Mt. Gerizim or in Jerusalem?

Look at how Jesus replied:

John 4:21
Jesus told her, “Believe Me, woman, an hour is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem.”

Jesus answered her deflection question, but not as she expected.  He didn’t choose between her Option A or Option B, instead Jesus chose “neither”.

We’ll look at Jesus’ full answer in future posts, but we need to stop here and address a bias we have.

It would be easy for us modern believers to dismiss their cultural debate between Mt. Gerizim and Jerusalem.  Why get all hung up over where someone sings praise to God?  Why fight (and even kill) someone over where they pray to God?  Why hate and despise a distant blood relative because how they worship?

It would be easy for us to think those things…but it would be hypocritical to do so.  Modern churches have split over the color of the sanctuary carpet.  Modern believers have gossiped and spread rumors about other churches because they made coffee available at their services.  Modern believers have had significant fights over every aspect of worship – hymnals, organs, pianos, clapping, guitars, drums, lights, projector screens, fog machines, visual illustrations…and the biggest one of all: contemporary music vs. traditional music.

Believers have gotten down-right nasty with fellow believers who do not worship with their preferred style.  Old familiar hymns vs new songs has been a hot button topic longer than you and I have been alive.  However, I think our divisions have more to do with preferences rather than the true intent of worship.  Even back in 1908, Marcus Dods made this observation:

Rich music, striking combinations of color and of architectural forms, are nothing to God so far as worship goes, except insofar as they bring the human spirit into fellowship with Him.  Persons are differently constituted, and what is natural to one will be formal and artificial to another.  Some worshippers will always feel that they get closer to God in private, in their own silent room, and with nothing but their own circumstances and wants to stimulate [their worship of God]; they feel that a service carefully arranged and abounding in musical effects does indeed move them, but does not make it easier for them to address themselves to God.  Others, again, feel differently; they feel that they can best worship God in spirit when the forms of worship are expressive and significant. 

But in two points all will agree: first, that in external worship, while we strive to keep it simple, we should also strive to make it good – the best possible of its kind.  If we are to sing God’s praise at all, then let the singing be the best possible, the best music a congregation can join in, and executed with the utmost skill that care can develop.  Music which cannot be sung save by persons of exceptional musical talent is unsuitable for congregational worship; but music which requires no consideration, and admits of no excellence, is hardly suitable for the worship of God…The other point in which we all will agree, is that where the Spirit is not engaged there is no worship at all.

As Jesus told the Samaritan woman, location and politics and religious tradition aren’t the keys to true worship.  That is no longer our road map to encountering God.  Our worship of God should be of good quality, and through it, we should be engaged with God.  Let’s not worry so much about how others’ worship looks, rather we should be asking ourselves if our worship’s focus is on God and our connection to Him.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Healthy teachings for the older women

Titus 2:1 You must teach what is in accord with sound doctrine.

After giving Titus instructions for topics to teach the older men, Paul then turns to the topics for older women that are in accord with the healthy teaching of Christ’s work on the cross.

Titus 2:3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good

Just like the older men, the older women need to be taught into maturity.  Maturity doesn’t happen on its own or by default.  If we are going to imitate God and his love for us, then we must be instructed on how to get there.

Paul also lists two enemies of an older woman’s maturity – the temptation to gossip and the possibility of becoming addicted to, or enslaved by, wine.  When all the children have left the home, many older women go through an identity crisis.  So much of their lives have been (rightly) focused on preparing their contribution to the next generation.  When that season is over, the question “What’s next?” has many potential answers to choose from – and not all of them are good.

Slander or Gossip, as well as an addiction (either to wine or some other substance) are very self-centered choices.  The thinking behind both behaviors – “Hey, listen to the info I’ve found out” and whatever rationalizations we give ourselves for addictions – all have motives which are focused inward.  An inward focus undercuts the ability to mature and imitate God’s love to others.

Paul lists these two traps in contrast with what the older women should be focusing on – to teach what is good.  But whom shall the older women teach?  Paul gives the answer in the next verse:

Titus 2:4 Then they can train the younger women…

After they have finished preparing their own children, an older woman needs to shift her focus to preparing the next generation of Christian women.  Paul gives instructions for Titus to teach several different groups in the church – but he specifically calls on the older women to teach the younger women.  Paul does not give Titus the responsibility to teach the younger women.  I fully believe this was intentional, as the mentor-relationship bond formed between an older woman and a younger woman cannot be duplicated.

The younger women needed support, as evidenced by Paul’s first lesson that an older woman needs to teach:

Titus 2:4 Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children…

As one who has been a child and is now a husband…I fully admit that we’re not always easy to love.  I am thankful for the older women who have come along side of my wife to help her, to teach her, and to train her how to love like Christ.

If you fit the category of an older woman, ask God to point you to a younger woman for you to mentor.  She needs you more than she’ll likely let on. 

If you don’t fit the category, pray for the older women that you know.  Ask God to include them in preparing the next generation of Christian women.

Keep Pressing,
Ken