Flashback Favorite - Help! I married my opposite.

Help! I married my opposite.
Originally posted on September 23, 2021  

At one point, I was very interested in personality traits and tendencies.  I read up on different personality assessments and took a number of assessment quizzes.  The results of one particular Myers-Briggs assessment included pairing of your personality type with others, so that you would know what type of person would be your “best friend”, “marriage material”, or “likely competition”.  Curious, I convinced my wife to take the test.

Three of her four traits were opposite mine…and I couldn’t find our pairing in any of their categories.  Not friend, not foe, not hiking buddy, not marriage partner, not even preferred acquaintance.  Finally, after bouncing around multiple pages on their website, I found their one-word description of a relationship between my set of four traits and her set of four traits: novelty.

According to the personality typing, she thinks I’m oddly intriguing.  I see her the same way.  “Opposites attract” – it’s a culturally accepted norm that all of us have plenty of experience with.  We certainly came from different families, and we’ve had our share of differences to work through over the years.  When you boil it all down…she’s an artist and I’m a nerd…and a prime example of our differences is in how we express and receive love. 

If you’re familiar with the Five Love Languages (Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch), you’ll probably empathize with what I’m about to say.  My love language is not the same as my wife’s love language…in fact, hers is probably my lowest ranking choice and mine is probably her lowest ranking choice.

I think I’m quite simple to love…after all, as an Acts of Service lover, just do something for me and I feel loved by you.  A clean home, laundry done, and dinner on the table makes me the happiest person on the planet.  Whereas my wife desires Physical Touch – hand held lovingly, hugs, cuddles, closeness.  Problem is…I’m not a touchy-feely person.  If you initiate a hug, I’ll reciprocate, but don’t expect me to go seeking one out.  On the flip-side, my wife’s clue that dishes are today’s priority is when we’ve run out of cups or skillets.

So we run into the constant problem: if I’m not reaching for her hand, giving hugs, etc. then she’s even less inclined to do something for me.  And if she’s not helping me out, I’m even less inclined to initiate loving contact with her.  It’s a vicious cycle, really.  It doesn’t start spiraling down out of spite or meanness…just the normal everyday busyness pulls us away from actively thinking about how the other person receives love.  When we’re distracted, we default to acting out in the way we want love to look like…I keep busy doing things around the house “for her” and she reaches for my hand “for him”…and those actions are easily misinterpreted. 

So, the question is…Who gives in first?  Who makes the first “loving move”?

When writing to the church in Ephesus, Paul spent the first two-thirds of the letter describing the relationship between Jesus and the church.  This relationship was previously a mystery (Ephesians 3:3-4), there is unity (4:4-6), there is diversity of gifts (4:11-13), and it results in a new way of living (4:17-5:21).  Paul wraps up his main discussion by giving the highest earthly example of the relationship between Jesus and the church – marriage. 

Ephesians 5:21-22, 25
Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.  Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her

To answer our question, it would be easy to quote the above verses and say “See!  We both should swallow our pride and selfishness.  We need to think of the other person first.”  And I understand that sentiment.  I see the verses above.  Who should make the first move?  Whichever of us is more mature and humble in the moment.

However…I can’t help but notice two things.

1.       When I read the entire marriage section in Paul’s letter (5:22-33), he talks a lot more about how us men need to love our wives than he does about wives loving their husbands.  Paul places the burden on us to love our wife just as much as we love and care for ourselves.

2.       If I look at the timeline of when the church loved Jesus vs when Jesus loved the church – I find that Jesus loved first.  And if I’m to love my wife just as Christ loved the church…again, Paul is placing the first-step responsibility on me.

Then, I am reminded of other verses like these:

1 John 4:19
We love because He first loved us.

Romans 5:8
But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus loved us before we could do anything to deserve it.  He loved us when we thought ourselves unlovable.  He continues to love us, even when we are unlovely. 

So, fellas…I have to break it to you: we are the ones who should move first and show our wife the love she needs in the way she needs it.  Even if you don’t understand why she likes the kind of love communication that she does.  Get her a little gift, run the vacuum, block out your schedule to do something with her, compliment her, or – as I need to do – take her hand and give her a hug without being asked to.

It’s not wrong if she beats you to the punch and speaks your love language first – just speak hers back.  Opposites do attract, but they stay together only when we’re intentional with how we show our love.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Contrasts provide clarity

Tunnel vision is a real thing, especially when we get wrapped up in the stress of our present circumstances.  Often times, we need a contrast to help us see clearly.  Noticing the difference between two places, two things, or two people helps us better understand both sides of the issue at hand. 

As we’ve walked through Psalm 62, we read about the attacks that David was under – threats, lies, and curses from two-faced people.  Instead of being consumed with thoughts about his attackers, David turned his attention toward God:

Psalm 62:5-8
Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I will not be shaken.
My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock.
My refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, you people;
pour out your hearts before Him.
God is our refuge.
                                           Selah

After looking to God and recognizing everything that He means to him…when David looks back at his attackers, he has a different perspective:

Psalm 62:9
Common people are only a vapor; important people, an illusion.
Together on a scale, they weigh less than a vapor.

David’s first contrast is a strong one: Compared to the rock-solid refuge he finds in God, David sees common people as a simple vapor.

The Hebrew word for vapor is also the word translated in Ecclesiastes as “meaningless”.  The word hebel indicates something with no substance, something that is either empty or futile.  A physical example to demonstrate this term is a vapor or a soap bubble – hebel things are without value and unstable.

David’s contrast points out that the common, regular people we meet (and allow to have influence in our lives) are hebel – and clearly not as reliable as the “rock” or the “refuge” that God has been described as.  Hebel people are only around for a short time, and they are neither powerful nor reliable.  Within this illustration, we recognize that a vapor is also subject to the circumstances around it.  A puff of air is enough to disrupt a vapor and change its shape.  Similarly, people are too easily disrupted by circumstances and selfishness for David to expect them to provide shelter or rescue.

David’s second contrast continues the theme: Important people = an illusion

How do we recognize an “important” person?  Those that have power or money or fame or lots of followers?  However, when life gets tough, we often find that what we considered to be “important” was not actually what we should have valued the most.  As David looks at the important people around him, he realizes something about their importance: It’s not real.  “Important” is a misnomer at best because no one can claim to be important when we are comparing any of us to God himself.

Since a vapor has no meaningful stability and an illusion has no physical substance, together they don’t amount to much.  If they were weighed on a scale or balance, they would have no value…what we find is that the current social-status of a person has no true eternal worth.

This line of thinking brings to light some very real questions that we all must deal with:

What/Who are you relying on? 
What/Who defines you? 

If it is God, then your foundation is strong and secure.  David’s contrast shows us that if it is something/someone else, you cannot find the rest, peace, or security we all seek. 

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Help! I married my opposite.

At one point, I was very interested in personality traits and tendencies.  I read up on different personality assessments and took a number of assessment quizzes.  The results of one particular Myers-Briggs assessment included pairing of your personality type with others, so that you would know what type of person would be your “best friend”, “marriage material”, or “likely competition”.  Curious, I convinced my wife to take the test.

Three of her four traits were opposite mine…and I couldn’t find our pairing in any of their categories.  Not friend, not foe, not hiking buddy, not marriage partner, not even preferred acquaintance.  Finally, after bouncing around multiple pages on their website, I found their one-word description of a relationship between my set of four traits and her set of four traits: novelty.

According to the personality typing, she thinks I’m oddly intriguing.  I see her the same way.  “Opposites attract” – it’s a culturally accepted norm that all of us have plenty of experience with.  We certainly came from different families, and we’ve had our share of differences to work through over the years.  When you boil it all down…she’s an artist and I’m a nerd…and a prime example of our differences is in how we express and receive love. 

If you’re familiar with the Five Love Languages (Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch), you’ll probably empathize with what I’m about to say.  My love language is not the same as my wife’s love language…in fact, hers is probably my lowest ranking choice and mine is probably her lowest ranking choice.

I think I’m quite simple to love…after all, as an Acts of Service lover, just do something for me and I feel loved by you.  A clean home, laundry done, and dinner on the table makes me the happiest person on the planet.  Whereas my wife desires Physical Touch – hand held lovingly, hugs, cuddles, closeness.  Problem is…I’m not a touchy-feely person.  If you initiate a hug, I’ll reciprocate, but don’t expect me to go seeking one out.  On the flip-side, my wife’s clue that dishes are today’s priority is when we’ve run out of cups or skillets.

So we run into the constant problem: if I’m not reaching for her hand, giving hugs, etc. then she’s even less inclined to do something for me.  And if she’s not helping me out, I’m even less inclined to initiate loving contact with her.  It’s a vicious cycle, really.  It doesn’t start spiraling down out of spite or meanness…just the normal everyday busyness pulls us away from actively thinking about how the other person receives love.  When we’re distracted, we default to acting out in the way we want love to look like…I keep busy doing things around the house “for her” and she reaches for my hand “for him”…and those actions are easily misinterpreted. 

So, the question is…Who gives in first?  Who makes the first “loving move”?

When writing to the church in Ephesus, Paul spent the first two-thirds of the letter describing the relationship between Jesus and the church.  This relationship was previously a mystery (Ephesians 3:3-4), there is unity (4:4-6), there is diversity of gifts (4:11-13), and it results in a new way of living (4:17-5:21).  Paul wraps up his main discussion by giving the highest earthly example of the relationship between Jesus and the church – marriage. 

Ephesians 5:21-22, 25
Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.  Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her

To answer our question, it would be easy to quote the above verses and say “See!  We both should swallow our pride and selfishness.  We need to think of the other person first.”  And I understand that sentiment.  I see the verses above.  Who should make the first move?  Whichever of us is more mature and humble in the moment.

However…I can’t help but notice two things.

1.       When I read the entire marriage section in Paul’s letter (5:22-33), he talks a lot more about how us men need to love our wives than he does about wives loving their husbands.  Paul places the burden on us to love our wife just as much as we love and care for ourselves.

2.       If I look at the timeline of when the church loved Jesus vs when Jesus loved the church – I find that Jesus loved first.  And if I’m to love my wife just as Christ loved the church…again, Paul is placing the first-step responsibility on me.

Then, I am reminded of other verses like these:

1 John 4:19
We love because He first loved us.

Romans 5:8
But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Jesus loved us before we could do anything to deserve it.  He loved us when we thought ourselves unlovable.  He continues to love us, even when we are unlovely. 

So, fellas…I have to break it to you: we are the ones who should move first and show our wife the love she needs in the way she needs it.  Even if you don’t understand why she likes the kind of love communication that she does.  Get her a little gift, run the vacuum, block out your schedule to do something with her, compliment her, or – as I need to do – take her hand and give her a hug without being asked to.

It’s not wrong if she beats you to the punch and speaks your love language first – just speak hers back.  Opposites do attract, but they stay together only when we’re intentional with how we show our love.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Because they're family

There’s always one in every family.  And sometimes, there’s more than just one. 

You know who I’m talking about: the relative that always seems a little bit “off”, or the one who talks too much (about herself, usually), or the one everyone else is afraid will start another family fight.  When it’s announced they’re coming to Thanksgiving dinner, your kids look at you and ask “Why do we still invite them over every year?”  We all typically answer with the same reply, too – “Because they’re family.”

When Paul began to describe to the Colossian believers all the many ways that their new life in Christ would be lived out, he started by listing some characteristics they were going to have to learn to put on, just like they got dressed every morning.

Colossians 3:12
Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience

Paul didn’t just list these out because they sounded good.  Paul’s aim wasn’t that the Colossians would become “nice people”.  Rather, he had a specific purpose in mind. 

As the good news of Jesus’ death, resurrection, and offer of eternal life spread throughout the known world, the church began to fill with people that were previously isolated and separated from each other.  The church was a melting pot of people from all over all of the spectrums.  Since the love of Jesus transcends all human boundaries, His church was composed of different races, ethnicities, economic status, political ideologies, religious backgrounds, and even people that just did not like each other.

So now that they were all connected through faith in Jesus, it wasn’t going to work for them to put on a fake smile and just try to play nice.  After Paul lists out these important characteristics for the believers to cloth themselves with, he goes on to tell them where these traits will be applied:

Colossians 3:12-13
...put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another.

We need to put on and practice these traits, because without them we are unable to accept, let alone forgive, those around us.  Notice there are no restrictions or qualifiers in Paul’s direction.  God expects his children to accept and forgive His other children.  Any one, and any complaint.

Notice also that Paul doesn’t say ignore or disregard the complaint itself.  Paul is dealing with the person here, the best solution to the complaint will be found as the listed character traits are applied to the situation.

And in case any of them thought they just couldn’t forgive (yet again) or if they refused to accept someone in the family, Paul followed up with this reminder:

Colossians 3:13
Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so also you must forgive.

There is nothing we have done – even repeatedly – that He hasn’t forgiven us for.  The Colossians were going to imitate and be like God as they extended the same heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience to each other.  Because they’re family. 

Keep Pressing,
Ken