A parent’s biggest worry
If we surveyed 100 parents and asked them their biggest concern about their children becoming adults, I would expect that one of the top answers would be that the parent is uneasy about how their child will navigate life on their own. Will they make wise choices? Will they be so foolish that their lives are forever changed?
Underneath these worries about our children, us parents also have a few worries about ourselves: Was I a good enough role model? If they mess up big, am I a failure as a parent?
When these thoughts arrive, we’ll often quote and cling to a famous proverb:
Proverbs 22:6 (ESV)
Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
While we can find some comfort from this verse, we must keep in mind that the proverbs are probabilities, not promises. Children sometimes go astray. They can – and do – make choices against a parent’s values.
A significant example of this fear becoming reality is found in the life of King Joash of Judah. When he was an infant, Joash was rescued from a murderous coup of his family’s rule. He was raised by a foster-father, the priest Jehoiada. Now, Jehoiada was a very godly man, who protected Joash and kept him hidden from the usurpers until he was seven years old. When the time was right, Jehoiada led the charge against the usurpers, re-establishing Joash and his family to the throne. Jehoiada led several reforms to bring the nation back to God and to life under God’s laws. You can read this story in 2 Chronicles 22:10 – 23:21.
As king, Joash followed in his foster-father’s footsteps. He did what was right in the Lord’s sight, and he personally led the massive project to repair the Lord’s temple. However, when Jehoiada died at 130 years old…Joash went completely off the rails. He listened to the wrong people, abandoned his relationship with the Lord, and began worshipping other gods. The nation slipped further into corruption and wickedness, and although God was angry with them, He did reach out to King Joash:
2 Chronicles 24:19
Nevertheless, He sent them prophets to bring them back to the Lord; they admonished them, but the people would not listen.
After multiple prophets came and went, with no change of heart by King Joash or the people, there was one last appeal made – by Jehoiada’s son, Zechariah:
2 Chronicles 24:20-22
The Spirit of God enveloped Zechariah son of Jehoiada the priest. He stood above the people and said to them, “This is what God says, ‘Why are you transgressing the Lord’s commands so that you do not prosper? Because you have abandoned the Lord, He has abandoned you.’”
But they conspired against him and stoned him at the king’s command in the courtyard of the Lord’s temple. King Joash didn’t remember the kindness that Zechariah’s father Jehoiada had extended to him, but killed his son. While he was dying, he said, “May the Lord see and demand an account.”
Less than a year later, Joash lost a battle against a smaller army. He suffered significant wounds, and his servants assassinated him.
What a tragic story! Even Shakespeare couldn’t write a more catastrophic, heart-breaking tale. For King Joash to order the murder of his foster-brother, in the courtyard of the temple that he restored under Jehoiada’s support and guidance…the scene absolutely blows my mind and wrenches my heart.
With this story, we see the hard truth that our children are responsible for their life-choices. Despite Jehoiada’s input and guidance, Joash still made his own choices.
Does that make Jehoiada a failure as a parent? No, it does not. Within this tragic account, we also see the positive fruits of Jehoiada’s parenting and mentoring in his son Zechariah. Both of Jehoiada’s boys chose their own path – one chose to walk away from God, the other chose to walk with Him.
Relationships take time and intentional effort to be happy and productive, and our relationship with God is no different. Our faith in God (our willingness to trust Him) is like a muscle, and it needs to be exercised or else it will atrophy. At some point, each of us must stop borrowing the faith of our parents or mentors, and then believe for ourselves. Influence your children as you can while you’re still here, but also teach them to understand and exercise their own faith in God.
Maybe that was Joash’s fatal flaw – that he never believed God on his own, instead he relied on Jehoiada to believe God for him. But whatever it was that caused Joash to walk away, it was his choice – and not Jehoiada’s fault.
As difficult as it is – to let our adult children be fully responsible for their faith and how they live their lives – you and I expect to do that in our own life, apart from our parents. Let’s give our adult children that same space and autonomy. Our part will be to keep the lines of communication open, pray for them, and be a positive influence. Doing these three things will go a long way towards bringing them back after they choose to wander away.
If you would like additional assistance, I would highly recommend the book Doing Life with your Adult Children by Jim Burns. He expertly covers a wide-range of topics for this new stage of life. In fact, if your child is in high school, I’d even recommend reading it now, so you can be better prepared for their upcoming transition to adulthood.
Keep Pressing,
Ken