In the heat of the moment

Living with family is hard.  We have different likes, preferences, reactions, attitudes, and opinions.  With all of these differences, conflict becomes a “when” not an “if”.  When we get into the heat of conflict, it is pretty difficult to remember in that moment all of the ways we should be acting toward the other person.  Trying to guard our tone, volume, our word choice, and to listen before speaking are all very difficult to remember when we’re in the middle of defending our position.

A list of conflict resolution skills to practice is helpful…but only before the moment arrives.  When conflict hits, we’ll remember one or two of them, at best.  Since the way disagreements are handled can make or break relationships, it’s important to ask,

“Which skill or attitude is the most important?  What is the one thing to remember when conflict comes?”

In his letter, Paul coached the Colossian believers on how to prepare themselves to handle conflict within God’s family.  Earlier, he listed five character traits that they were to practice putting on, just like they would put on their clothes.  As they practiced the traits of heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, they would be able to accept and forgive each other when issues arose. 

However, the heat of the moment is a difficult time for those involved.  That’s why I think Paul continued with this piece of guidance:

Colossians 3:14-15
Above all, put on love – the perfect bond of unity.  And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts.

This is the “if you forget everything else, remember what I’m about to tell you” moment in Paul’s letter.  Paul flags this most important direction with the key phrase above all.  So above all the Colossians are to remember to put on love.  They are to get dressed in the same kind of love that God has extended to us in Christ Jesus. 

Jesus himself gave the same answer when He was asked which section of the Jewish law was most important.  The person asking wanted to know what part of Moses’ law would be a guiding principle above all the other laws:

Matthew 22:37-40
He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the greatest and most important commandment.  The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commandments.”

Jesus said that for us to love is our highest aim…but also notice that everything else flows out of that love.  Paul is telling the Colossians the same thing – Above all, put on love.  The other characteristics would flow out of how well we love, especially in the midst of conflict.

But how do we know what is the best way to show love?  How will we know what is best for the other person when we’re in the middle of a fight?

To that, Paul throws in an “and”.  The Colossians were to let the peace of the Messiah control their hearts.  The peace of the Messiah was what Jesus brought to the sin-caused conflict between the human race and God.  Jesus was willing to give Himself up to address the problem head-on, so that our relationship with God the Father could be restored.

Paul uses an interesting word for what this kind of peace is supposed to do to us.  The Greek word for control comes from a context of athletic games, where an official would serve as an umpire in the match.  Paul wants the peace of the Messiah then to guide, direct, and umpire our love for the family member we’re clashing with.  So when family conflict comes, and it will, this all we need to remember:

Above everything else, let’s aim for peace because we love them. 

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Because they're family

There’s always one in every family.  And sometimes, there’s more than just one. 

You know who I’m talking about: the relative that always seems a little bit “off”, or the one who talks too much (about herself, usually), or the one everyone else is afraid will start another family fight.  When it’s announced they’re coming to Thanksgiving dinner, your kids look at you and ask “Why do we still invite them over every year?”  We all typically answer with the same reply, too – “Because they’re family.”

When Paul began to describe to the Colossian believers all the many ways that their new life in Christ would be lived out, he started by listing some characteristics they were going to have to learn to put on, just like they got dressed every morning.

Colossians 3:12
Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience

Paul didn’t just list these out because they sounded good.  Paul’s aim wasn’t that the Colossians would become “nice people”.  Rather, he had a specific purpose in mind. 

As the good news of Jesus’ death, resurrection, and offer of eternal life spread throughout the known world, the church began to fill with people that were previously isolated and separated from each other.  The church was a melting pot of people from all over all of the spectrums.  Since the love of Jesus transcends all human boundaries, His church was composed of different races, ethnicities, economic status, political ideologies, religious backgrounds, and even people that just did not like each other.

So now that they were all connected through faith in Jesus, it wasn’t going to work for them to put on a fake smile and just try to play nice.  After Paul lists out these important characteristics for the believers to cloth themselves with, he goes on to tell them where these traits will be applied:

Colossians 3:12-13
...put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another.

We need to put on and practice these traits, because without them we are unable to accept, let alone forgive, those around us.  Notice there are no restrictions or qualifiers in Paul’s direction.  God expects his children to accept and forgive His other children.  Any one, and any complaint.

Notice also that Paul doesn’t say ignore or disregard the complaint itself.  Paul is dealing with the person here, the best solution to the complaint will be found as the listed character traits are applied to the situation.

And in case any of them thought they just couldn’t forgive (yet again) or if they refused to accept someone in the family, Paul followed up with this reminder:

Colossians 3:13
Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so also you must forgive.

There is nothing we have done – even repeatedly – that He hasn’t forgiven us for.  The Colossians were going to imitate and be like God as they extended the same heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience to each other.  Because they’re family. 

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Harsh words

The quickest way to change a situation is to open our mouths and have something selfish and negative come out.  With just a few harsh words, the tone of a conversation can be altered and the general mood of the room is radically different.  Depending on what we say and how we say it, relationships can be damaged for a significant amount of time. 

Recognizing this, it’s easy to see how careless words can tear apart family members.

After warning the Colossian believers to put to death any idolatry and greed that comes out of their hearts, Paul encourages them to take their conduct up to the next level by closely watching what comes out of their mouths.

Colossians 3:8
But now you must also put away all the following: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and filthy language from your mouth.

Paul says that these types of words must be put away.  The Greek word for put away means to “put off or aside”.  This action is intentional, and there’s no wiggle room here, it must be done.

Not to be self-congratulating, but I would like to use an example from my own life – I have decided there are some things that my boys will never hear from me.

I can clearly remember stories, jokes, and advice given to me over the years…but I will not repeat them.  Some memories go way back into my youth.  The stories and jokes were meant to be funny, and honestly, I laughed quite a bit at them.  My immaturity was in full bloom as I listened intently to my friends’ stories, trying to add in some off-color or inappropriate joke of my own.  My quick wit was good for that, or so I thought.

I also have distinct memories of “advice” given to me by people who were lashing out in anger and frustration, either at someone else or at the world in general.  I can still hear their voices say those words as they angrily warned me to avoid certain individuals or people groups.

However, I will not place the burden of these words on my children, or anyone else around me.  The memory of these words will die with me.

Now that the memories have been put away, the real challenge is to follow Paul’s direction and keep anything new from springing out of my mouth.  Now you must put away he says.  Paul’s direction needs to be applied moment by moment – even when things go sideways at work, or I’m caught off-guard, or my plans for the evening get wrecked, or I am hurt (yet again) by someone close to me.

Paul isn’t saying it’s wrong to be upset, frustrated, or even angry; we just need to be watchful for how our mouths express those emotions.  Guarding what comes out of our mouths is vital for maintaining healthy relationships within the family of God and with those outside of the family. 

Keep Pressing,
Ken

In this family...

At some point in our lives, I think we’ve all had our parents tell us “If you’re part of this family, then you’ll…<insert particular actions, thoughts, or words>”.  And now as a parent, I’ve said it, too.  When I use the word “If” in these kinds of statements, my boys know that I’m not questioning if they are truly my children.  Instead, I’m implying that they know they are part of the family, and since they are, then a particular course is expected of them.

Throughout his letter to the Colossians, it is abundantly clear that Paul is writing to believers.  

1:2 To the saints and faithful brothers in Christ in Colossae
1:13 [the Father] has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves
2:12 ...you were also raised with Him through faith in the working of God
2:13 And when you were dead in trespasses and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive with Him

However, even though they were in the family, the Colossians still needed help understanding how relationships worked inside God’s family.  In some ways, they were still acting and thinking like they had before they entered into God’s family.

After affirming that they are part of the family, Paul had this to say about how they were thinking and acting:

Colossians 2:20
If you died with Christ to the elemental forces of this world, why do you live as if you still belonged to the world?

You can hear what Paul’s implying here: If you died with Christ (and you did), why do you live as if you still belonged to the world?

But just as the Father has rescued believers from the domain of darkness and into the kingdom of Jesus, Paul says that our relationship with Jesus will similarly rewire our thoughts and actions. 

Colossians 3:1
So if you have been raised with the Messiah, seek what is above, where the Messiah is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on what is above, not on what is on earth.  For you have died, and your life is hidden with the Messiah in God.

Again, he uses the same implied-relationship statement: if you have been raised with the Messiah (and you have), seek what is above.

The Greek word for seek is a pretty intense one.  It means to seek in order to find out – by thinking, meditating, reasoning, and enquiring.  It carries the idea of striving and craving (even demanding) something from someone.

Paul is letting these believers know that in this family, we don’t establish and maintain a relationship with God by following a set of man-made rules.  Instead, we passionately pursue Jesus.  We seek Him out.  The same thing happens with my boys – they don’t create a “good” relationship with me when they follow self-imposed rules in order to avoid punishments; we have a “good” relationship when they are interested in who I am and what I am like, because it is then that they reciprocate my love for them.

So don’t mess around with the old way of life, the way the world thinks that “religious” people should live.  Following rules doesn’t create a relationship with God, but actively pursuing Him will create this new relationship. 

Want to know what the new relationship is like in God’s family?  Seek Jesus, and he’ll show you.

Keep Pressing,
Ken

Great grace, great love

Titus 3:5-6 ...He [God the Father] saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior

All three members of the Trinity – God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit – participated in securing our salvation from sin’s ultimate penalty.  Without God acting on our behalf, we would have been eternally separated from God and unable to become whom God created us to be. 

While our rescue from eternal death was God’s primary motivation, it wasn’t the only outcome from what God did for us.  Paul continues and explains God’s motivation in providing such a great salvation:

Titus 3:7 so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

To be justified means to be declared legally righteous.  Not guilty of the sin I’ve committed.  Since Jesus paid the penalty for all of humanity’s sin, and I have accepted that he took the punishment I deserved, I cannot be condemned to eternal separation from God.  As Paul said in his letter to the believers in Rome:

Romans 8:1-2 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

But did you catch what Paul was saying to Titus?  There is more to a believer’s life, something that goes beyond the initial salvation moment and experience.

Titus 3:7 so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

I have often heard justification explained as God treating the believer “just-as-if-I-had-never-sinned”, however Paul is saying that there is more to it than that.  We become heirs, we now have hope in an eternal future of life with God.  Perhaps a better statement for justification would be that God now treats the believer “just-as-if-I-were-Jesus-himself”.

While I am now treated as if I were sinless, I am also received as a member of the family and brought into the relationship found within the Trinity.  That does not mean that I become God, but I am loved as much as God the Father loves God the Son…which is an eternal, unbreakable love.  We are given privileges unknown to any other created being…and it’s all because we are associated with Jesus.

Also notice how we are justified…it is by his grace.  Not by anything we did or will do.  We saw earlier that our rescue was not because of righteous things we had done, it’s all a gift. 

How great is God’s love toward us?!

Keep Pressing,
Ken

The first test of a leader

One of Titus’ biggest jobs in Crete was to identify church leaders from within the local believers. 

 Titus 1:5 The reason I left you in Crete was that you might straighten out what was left unfinished and appoint elders in every town, as I directed you.

Given the corruptness and general self-centeredness of the Cretan culture, Titus needed to be very careful about who would both publicly represent the church to outsiders and be able to minister to those within the church family.  The selection was so important that Paul spent the first half of Chapter 1 describing a church leader, listing both characteristics that he should not possess and characteristics that he should possess.

Titus 1:6 An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.

To be blameless is to be free from any accusation of wrong-doing.  Paul considers this characteristic to be so important that he fleshes it out in great detail in the next few verses.  As such, we’ll wait until next time to look at it.

However, some interpretations of the next two elder requirements – to be the husband of but one wife and a man whose children believe – have produced a lot of stress within the church.  Several questions could be raised:

Can an elder be single?  Divorced?  Widowed?  Remarried?

What if he has no children?  Or children to young to understand the gospel?  Or children that have rejected God?

While the predominate culture of the time did not include polygamy, both divorce and having concubines were commonplace.  Also, nowhere in his letter to Titus does Paul specify a previous sin or situation that prevents a person from becoming an elder now…as such, to imply that a divorce or becoming a widow automatically disqualifies someone from becoming a church leader would be inconsistent with the rest of the text.  Most likely, the statement the husband of but one wife was to ensure that elders are completely faithful to their present wife, and their present wife only – in order to be a representation of how Christ is faithful to the church.

Likewise, we have to be careful to not read too much into the phrase a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.  We have a tendency to immediately equate the word “believe” with “faith in Christ for salvation from the penalty of sin”.  The Greek word for believe is also translated as “faithful”, “reliable”, or “trustworthy”.  However, the author’s intended meaning of a given word is derived from its immediate context.  In this passage, we have “believing” children contrasted with children that are open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.  Who are the children to trusting in, relying on, or being faithful to?  Their own father!  And it is their overall behavior that reflects their relationship to him!  In fact, some other translations render the phrase as a man whose children are faithful or a man whose children are trustworthy.

Now that we’ve cleared out the clutter of what we might (even unintentionally) read into the text, it is clear that the potential elder needs to be evaluated on his ability to faithfully lead his family and guide the passions of those directly in his care.  This is to be our first evaluation point of someone who wants to lead in the local church.

Paul said something similar in a letter to his other protégé, a young man named Timothy:

1 Timothy 3:4-5 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)

That’s a great question.  We should expect this of both our current leaders and from those who desire to lead.

Keep Pressing,
Ken